Jodi: Hi, I’m Jodi Cohen, your host. And I’m so excited to be joined by one of my favorite friends, Tara Hunkin, a functional nutritional therapy practitioner, certified GAPS practitioner, restorative wellness practitioner, mother, and founder of My Child Will Thrive, author and host of the Autism, ADHD, and SPD Summit. My Child Will Thrive was founded out of the frustration Tara felt when searching for explanations and solutions for her daughter.
Doctor’s visits left her with more questions than answers, and she was forced to do the research and find her own way to help her child. Tara’s daughter is now a thriving 17 year old, go you, succeeding in and out of school. Tara now supports parents of children with neurodevelopmental disorders, struggling to find the right combination of treatments and therapies, through educating and coaching them so that they can get the best results for their children while saving time, money, and effort. Welcome, Tara.
Tara: Thanks. So good to see you again.
Jodi: I know, I really love seeing you. And I’m really excited, we’re going to kind of dive into what resilience means when you have a challenging kid.
Tara: Yeah, it’s important.
Jodi: Yeah, it’s really important. And if I can just start by asking you, how do you define resilience?
Tara: It’s a great question and I’m glad you’re asking this question. I define it as finding your own path through the bumps of life. The reality is, everybody, we all have this vision of what our life will be like, especially when we become parents. And it’s about finding yourself within that path because it’s never the way we expect it to be.
Jodi: That’s true. Even, I had both a very easy child and a not so easy child, and both were surprising. But can you talk a little bit about how letting go of expectations is important to resilience?
Tara: So for me, my first child, after a very complicated path to getting to that first child, she was by all definitions, healthy, 10 fingers, 10 toes, she was healthy and growing, and thriving. But we noticed very early on that she was not hitting her developmental milestones, so she was missing key milestones.
And as we went through that process, and she continued to grow, things didn’t develop the way that… you know the old What to Expect when you’re Expecting series we had planned out for us?
We all read those books and we read where all those milestones will be, and we picture what we’re going to be doing with our child at each of these different things. And when those things don’t happen the way that we expect them to, well, there’s a combination of feelings. I mean, upon reflection, there’s also a lot of grief that goes with that because we have these dreams for our children, and unfortunately, I know a lot about grief.
But when we have that plan, and that life, in terms of the way we expect it to go, and things don’t go that way but fortunately, for myself, I still have my child; so then we have to find a new way to look at how that life is going to be lived. And we have to let go of those initial expectations of what it means to be a parent, and what it means to be a parent to that particular child. And find that new goal or expectations for our individual child and for our relationship with that particular child, so that we can be grateful for what we have.
Jodi: I mean, you and I both had children that were more challenging, but I think it’s true, no matter what. Like, you have this idea of what parenting is going to be like, what your marriage is going to be like with kids, what your life is going to be like. What is it, “Man plans, God laughs,”? Like, it’s rare that it goes according to plan. So can you talk about how you actively, like help people to validate their expectations, validate that grief, and move through it?
Tara: I think that what we end up doing is, especially these days, we compare ourselves. I think we’ve always compared ourselves, but especially these days because people’s lives and their daily lives are being put out there for public view on things like social media. Social media, you can either embrace it… so you can ignore it, which, in a lot of ways, we have to ignore segments of it, or you can embrace it in a different way. The same thing goes for in person relationships as well.
So, in terms of the things we need to let go of and ignore are those perfect pictures that people put out there. And before social media, it was that friend that would tell you everything was perfect in their lives, when the reality is, nobody’s life is perfect and their days don’t go perfect, and their houses don’t look perfect all the time. It’s just when you show up for that event or that party that they went to, but always, we all have our stuff going on. It’s different for everybody.
So the first thing we have to do is go, “None of that matters,” and really, all what matters is what you’re doing with your child on that particular day.
And then within your community, whether it be the physical community or the social media community, there are actually a lot of great groups of people that can support you that are going through similar things to what you’re going through. And what you have to do is find those groups or find your village of people that are the people that will understand what you’re going through and can relate.
And two, are honest about what they’re doing and how they’re coping with it. Because the thing is, if there’s not that open honesty and exchange of what’s going on, you’re not going to have that person that’s going to sit there and understand you, but also, you feel like you can trust to share what you’re going through without being judged. Then number three is, those people can also help you find the resources that you may need moving forward. If you can build that good village of people to help you out.
Jodi: I love that you’ve created this community, because one of the things that happens when your life veers off course is that you feel so lonely, and you feel like maybe you’re the only one or there’s something wrong with you. And we’ve been taught to feel ashamed, like if our child isn’t perfect, it’s our fault, and we shouldn’t talk about that or share that. So it’s really lovely. Can you talk more about kind of the services you provide in the My Child will Thrive community? I mean, obviously, you are great with education, but just that community and feeling like you’re not alone.
Tara: Well, I mean, I did set out to create… I have a Facebook group that I created years ago and actually, it’s a community that really supports themselves. I have a little bit of involvement in it, but the idea is, it was to build that online village of people that really understood each other, weren’t going to judge each other, were going to give their best tips to each other, and listen. And just give a virtual hug to a person that was having a bad day or just needed that little bit of lift, or to share a win that you’ve had.
That’s such an important aspect, is to identify each little win that you may have and be grateful for that. I’ve learned that through my child, because the thing is, is that it’s part of letting go of those expectations. You set new goals for yourself and when you hit those goals, you should celebrate them just as big as you would have what would have been the neurotypical or the typical developmental norms. They are just as important to our child, it’s just as important to us, and we should be able to celebrate them, and have other people give us that feedback as well, and encouragement.
Jodi: No, I agree with that. Yeah, it’s funny, with Max’s accident, there were four boys in the car and the one that lived, the mom did that. It was uncertain whether he would walk or even be able to move his left side.
So when he wiggled his toes that was like… because I was curious, obviously, my experience was instant death and how I dealt with that, but trying to recover a child who had been through such trauma.
And I was so inspired by just her positive attitude, and how she went through it. Resilience is so much about mindset and I just admire people that find a way to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and keep moving. Even when everyone kind of wants to brand them with a scarlet letter and leave them in the corner to cry.
Tara: Well, I think you and I have talked about this before, is that there is a lot of judgment out there a lot of the times. So, you need to have those people that are going to celebrate what may seem like not… like you said, like wiggling the toes, it can be so…
And in some cases, for people with children with severe autism, it can be, finally saying a particular word or being able to express themselves, and their wants and needs in some particular way, if they were not nonverbal, even if it’s not in a verbal way.
And for a lot of people, that wouldn’t be a big one, but for a mom that has not been able to really effectively communicate with her child, to see their child communicate in any way, shape, or form is a huge, huge win, and it should be celebrated. So it is really important to find those people that understand you, but also so that when you have those bad days, where you have a child that maybe has a meltdown in the store, and every parent, every other person in the store is looking at you like you’re a bad parent, because you’re not disciplining your child properly.
There’s all the things that run through people’s minds and the judgments that happen, because they don’t understand that individual circumstances. And people always jump to conclusions, or in my daughter’s case, she was actually very tall for her age, and still is. I think she stopped growing at six feet, but she’s extremely tall, so she was always very big for her age. So on top of the fact that she had a speech delay, people had certain expectations of her that were beyond her developmental age, even if she was at all her milestones, because of her size.
So, it was difficult to manage those expectations of people. So we have to let go of those judgments and find the people that are willing to even take a pause and consider the circumstances that might be different. But also, to support you through those challenging days when you are feeling judged, and you are feeling like maybe your friends don’t want you at their event because your child might be more difficult than their child.
Jodi: Oh, I had a friend say to me, “Why don’t you and I just get together?” Oh, okay, you don’t want my kid?”
Tara: Like, they don’t really think about how incredibly hurtful that is, as opposed to creating an environment that will work for everybody. There’s just so much in it, of course, for you and for every parent that’s gone through that too, the resilience of just managing that situation with the person that you thought was your friend and would be there to support you and your child. When they disappoint you like that, there’s a lot to deal with and bounce back from, as well.
Jodi: Even like the criticism, like when we would change the diet, and like, “Oh, gluten is kind of…” Just the undermining, the criticism. Like that was really surprising to me, like, “Why do you care what my kid eats?”
Tara: It’s funny, totally, I’ve been through the exact same thing, where the naysayers and everything else. Typically with that, it’s because they think that we’re sitting in judgment of what they’re doing. When all of a sudden you’re eating a whole food, non-processed diet, you’ve taking out things like gluten, and people tend to turn that around and think that you’re judging them for not doing the same thing.
So instead, they attack what you’re doing as being unreasonable and harming your child. Actually, that taking something like gluten or dairy out of their diet is not giving them the nutrients they need. Without doing any research, by the way. Usually, those are the people that just jump to judgment without actually having picked up anything, any information, and educating themselves before they say those things. So, yes, that is a big thing.
And that’s why finding your village, at least, you’re still going to have your friends and family members and all those things and relationships or at least you’re going to try to maintain those relationships with those people as well. But if you at least have that group of people or supportive voices that can support you in what you’re doing, then you will be at least 10 steps ahead of everybody else because at least you will have that, those people will boost you back up when you’ve been having to explain yourself to everybody once again.
Jodi: And sometimes parenting can be a competitive sport.
Tara: Absolutely.
Jodi: Can we talk about that and how you deal with, my daughter calls it, they flex, they show off? Just like taking that in stride and observing, like, “Oh look, they felt the need to tell me all these things, wonderful.”
Tara: That is a really tough one, right? Especially when your child is being compared or you’ve got a friend… and they should celebrate their wins with their kid.
But there are more often than not, people that don’t really think about the fact that those are wins that you may never see in your child, and that you still have things that you want to talk about with your child that are just as big.
There are people even, especially with what we’ve all been through in the past year, in schooling right now, a lot of kids are really struggling. But of course, there are the kids where they’re quite capable of adjusting and they’re very resilient. They’re quite capable of adjusting to an online format, if they had to go on online school. They’re resourceful on their own. But there’s a huge chunk of kids that aren’t able to do that.
And so when you’re having that conversation with a parent of a child that this has all been fine with, versus a parent that isn’t, you find that they’re just not that interested in your child’s struggles because their child is okay, operating this way. So, “I don’t need to worry about the fact that there’s all these other kids that are struggling.”
The same thing in terms of how we accommodate different styles of learning in the classroom, parents of children that don’t struggle as much are not very understanding about how a teacher may have to adjust. Or making sure that the other children that learn differently are just as accommodated as the ones that are learning in a typical environment.
Jodi: And then through this all, I think self-care kind of goes out the window. Well, so many of us, everyone else comes first. And when we’re constantly supporting a child, we maybe forget to support ourselves. Can you speak a little bit to that and to some of the recommendations that have worked for you or some people in your community?
Tara: That is a huge thing and I think that’s actually fairly typical of most parents. We tend to put our children before ourselves. And nothing against the dads, but the moms, it’s just sort of culturally, we do that. Sometimes the moms are working full time out of the home and the studies show they’re taking on the lion’s share inside the home. You topple on top of that, a child that is differently wired, has some kind of special needs, it’s a lot.
So the last thing that we do is look after ourselves. The problem with that is it’s the old adage of putting your oxygen mask on before helping others. We don’t listen to that. And then what happens typically is by the time we’re going towards the later parts of our parenthood journey, so in perimenopause and menopause age, we’re burnt out.
And as we know, your adrenal glands become very important in that phase, and if you have burnt yourself out, and you are completely stressed out, that’s going to be a really rough transition for other women out there.
And for their husbands, they have to put up with that or support them during that. So it is really important not to wait until you get to that phase or not to wait until you’re completely burnt out.
And the great thing is, is that what I know, and we’ve learned is that by doing some of the simple things for ourselves, there’s the same things we can do for our kids, that will also help and support their health and development. So I always ask people to focus on the basics, the foundational things. It’s the things that we think, “It’s just too simple. So can it really make a difference?” But actually, without those things, the fancy things, or the advanced healing strategies that we sometimes use with our kids and ourselves, won’t work at all, or they won’t work that well.
So when we start with things like hydration, just making sure we’re getting good quality water every day, that’s a huge component. I’m going to skip sleep for a second and we’re going to come back to sleep because that’s the one I always get the biggest pushback on because we all know that the sleep is sort of elusive for parents.
But the quality of our food, so making sure we’re getting a balanced whole food diet. And again, these are going to be the things that are going to help our children as well. The nutrient density, just making sure you’re eating good quality foods, you’re going to have better energy to help your child.
And you’re going to stay healthier to help your child. And that same food that you’re preparing for yourself, you want to get your child to eat as well. And that’s the goal. Also, one of the easy ones that we can do with our kids is time in nature and gentle exercise. So just take your child out for a walk. If they’re too little to walk with you, they can be in a backpack or a stroller. But otherwise, we don’t need to go out and run a marathon, we just need gentle exercise.
Or you can be doing sort of, yoga stretches with your child doing the stretches with you. Again, the more we model these things for our kids, and do them with them… and that type of exercise as well, is good for the brain. So, it’s a win, win, win, win. It’s just finding the time to do that and again, it doesn’t have to be for an hour, it just needs to be done on a regular basis. So you find the time that you can do it.
And then sleep is super, super important. We know we can’t heal without sleeping. We just aren’t happy people when we don’t get our sleep. And although we are typically really good at it as young parents, as we age, we aren’t really great at it at all, at least from personal experience. It just gets worse. What you could do when you were a young parent and getting up with your child in the night, and having to do all those things, those are things you have to do.
But as soon as you don’t have to do that anymore, you should be prioritizing your sleep and focusing on, if you have a child that’s not sleeping through the night or still have sleep issues, then that should be a really, really high priority for that child and for you because they go hand in hand. If your child is not sleeping, you’re not sleeping, that’s what you should be figuring out how to fix first.
Jodi: That’s amazing. Is there anything else on resilience that you’d like to share that we haven’t touched on?
Tara: Well, I mean, I think the only other thing and I know you talk a lot about this, too, is just making sure that we are addressing the vagal nerve. And making sure that we’re stimulating that because I really am a firm believer that that is one of the other foundations for our children and for ourselves. If we don’t have good vagal tone, we’re just not going to be healthy and performing well, and be able to have that resilience, be it physical or emotional.
So it’s just really important to address that. And I know, Jodi, you have lots of great resources, as well as your wonderful oils that I use myself, parasympathetic oil, to address the vagus nerve and make sure that we are addressing that and making sure that it’s just not overlooked. It’s just too important.
Jodi: Yeah, that’s my little daily, hourly sometimes, hack to calm my nervous system. This has been so helpful. Can you please share where people can learn more about you or work with you?
Tara: Well, the best place to get all the resources is at mychildwillthrive.com. We have a free toolkit there, as well as lots of other resources for parents. Get on there and jump on the Facebook group, and let us know how you’re doing and how we can help you there too.
Jodi: Thank you so much. This was fabulous.
Tara: My pleasure.
